Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Die Happy
Last night, as I had my arms
wrapped around V's waste on the back of his Harley with the cool wind on my face, I felt I could die at that
moment and be ok about it. I felt completely content and relaxed. I felt happy with work, with friends, family and even with
(or without) love. I was holding onto a wonderful man who would do anything (or almost anything) for me. I finished a day
of work in a job I like, and was pretty happy with my youth and all I had accomplished so far. I wasn't thinking about
regrets or do-overs. I was thinking simply that life could end suddenly, and it'd be ok. I had enough...
But
I still want more.
I remember Jack saying to me before we parted ways that he couldn't wait to see what
I do with myself. He thought I was in such a strong place in my life. That I had endless possibilities and the drive to make
anything happen. He was right. And here's what I'm going to do with the rest of my life...or at least the rest of
my year.
I'm going to take the LSAT. I know I keep saying this, but I'm ready to fork over loads of money
for a class to keep me on track for my October 4 test date. Studying on my own isn't working. I'm too busy riding
motorcycles and going on dates.
Next, I'm going to have my annual backyard cook-out. I find that this has
become an important part of my life. In one snap shot, I can gather up everyone who is important to me in one place and see
how it changes from year to year.
Finally, I'm going to do something that scares me. This one I haven't
quiet pinned down. I've already jumped from an airplane, bungee jumped, moved half way across the country without knowing
anyone, danced around naked in front of strangers and gone to Europe alone. The list of things that scare me has become quite
short. I'm sure I'll think of something...
After weeks of being in a generally pissy mood, I finally let
go. It only took a little weed and a motorcycle to do so.
2:58 pm edt
Monday, July 14, 2008
Lawyer #2
The bad thing about Internet
dating is that you never know what you'll get. The two pictures I saw of Lawyer #2 were from a distance and a bit aged.
But I liked his profile so much I was willing to take the chance. After a brief chat on the phone, I decided already
I liked him. He was easy to talk to and sounded intelligent. I was looking forward to meeting him in Charlestown for a drink
on the water.
The place he chose was a little divey, and he was ten minutes late. Though he apologized for his
tardiness, I pretended not to notice. Mainly because I thought he was surprisingly good-looking. But that was only my first
of many shocking moments that night. Here's a list of all the others: I loved his two different colored eyes, one green,
one brown; He made me laugh-a lot; He's quiet smart; He's so easy to talk to; He never laid a hand on me; I didn't
want to say good-night; I felt completely at ease walking into his apartment; I felt completely at ease letting him into mine;
His driving didn't scare me; I didn't want him to leave even though it was 2am; I made the first move to kiss him;
He gently...very, very gently...gave me a light peck on the lips and an Eskimo kiss.
We couldn't stop talking...I
couldn't wait to hear more. He told me so many self-depricating things that I found funny and endearing. We made plans
to meet up in two weeks since I'm leaving town soon. I decided today that I can't wait that long to see him. I invited
him to dinner the night before I leave.
It's been a long, long time since I had such an easy time getting
to know someone. I like him very much, and I can't wait to hear more about him.
3:47 pm edt
Lawyer #1
I met a nice man through Match.com
who I will call Lawyer #1. He's very nice but completely dorky. I met up for drinks a week ago and all went well. He wanted
to spend the Fourth of July together, but I blew him off to spend it with a friend. No regrets there.
When he asked
me out for the second time, I thought, "Why not?" I had no plans for that Friday night. So he asked me to meet him
at Eastern Standard at 6pm. I immediately had two thoughts: 1. While Eastern Standard is very nice, I've been there before.
I really wanted to meet or go somewhere I'd never been. 2. There was no way I could get out of work, walk Teddy, and make
it to that side of town in time. I thought about tell him a totally new time and place, but I didn't want to be that much
of a princess. Instead, I simply asked if we could delay meeting until 7pm. He texted back stating simply, "Not if we
are going to make it to the Sox game on time."
I was thrilled! He was going to surprise me with tickets. And
he remembered from our first date that I was a huge fan and really wanted to see another live game this year. I was still
on the fence about this one, but he gained huge brownie points for the Sox tickets. And he didn't play it off like I was
high maintenance or demanding. I hate when guys do that. I don't care how much tickets cost, I want to go!
Though
the Sox lost, we had a fabulous time. He's very easy to be with, lots of fun, and a completely nice guy. We tend to drink
too much while we are together, which worries me a bit. I don't like when I spend time with someone and all we do is drink.
Lawyer #1 was golfing the next day, so I invited his dog to spend the day with Teddy and I. I'm glad I did,
because she is a darling who doesn't drive Teddy nuts but still gets his old ass moving. I was getting a little nervous
about Lawyer #1's arrival time, because I had another date lined up for Saturday night. This was someone I met through
eHarmony. (No I don't keep multiple profiles up...Match keeps giving my profile for free, and the eHarmony commercials
finally got to me.) The guy I was supposed to meet was also an attorney...Lawyer #2.
Lawyer #1 finally showed up
to my house 30 minutes before I was to leave for my date with Lawyer #2. I confessed that I had a date and would have to leave
soon in order to get there on time by the T. Lawyer #1 laughed and said he also had a date that night. When I told him we
were meeting in Charlestown, his neighborhood, Lawyer #1 offered to drop me off. Why not? Saves me time, right?
So
Lawyer #1 dropped me off to meet Lawyer #2. I almost felt bad about it...almost.
3:36 pm edt
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Happy Birthday
I couldn't help myself.
I sent Jack an email reading 'Happy Birthday.' That's all. No subject. No long gushy bullshit. Just that...
I don't want him to write back, but I do hope something happens soon to help me unload this anger. I just feel
so damn mistreated...by everyone. It's not that I feel entitled, but I am human. Deep down inside I know nothing anyone
can say or do will help me right now. I just need to keep following my heart and hope something breaks open soon. God help
everyone in my path until then.
1:01 pm edt
Shallowbrook
It's that time of year
again! Time for hugs and laughter, catching up and reminiscing, drinking and eating. Ever year, for the past 13(?) years,
my extended family on my mom's side gets together for the weekend. It's one of my favorite part of my year, but it's
also become a sad one too.
As I look around at my aunts, uncles, cousins and second cousins, I notice that everyone
has someone. Everyone is either married or brings a date...everyone. For years I have been the only one who comes alone. Normally
this wouldn't bother me, but it's hard when I see my extended family growing, and my immediate family does not. And
this year, I won't even have my nephew there to dote on. He'll be with his 'new' family at an amusement park.
I try to shrug off my stag arrival saying to myself that I come alone because it's too far for a boyfriend
to travel. But the truth is, I've not had anyone to bring. The only person I have ever taken to these reunions was my
husband. No one before and no one since.
Because I'm single and dateless, I'm usually put in charge of
fun tasks like rounding up kids, watching over grandma or checking on one thing or another...I get to sleep on the sofa because
I obviously don't need any privacy with it just being me...
I'm looking forward to the trip this year...No
one is expecting me. Dad and I have made arrangements in order to surprise my mom and everyone else. And I'm looking forward
to the hugs...the 'so happy to see you'...the food...my family. I'm just not looking forward to feeling lonely.
12:07 pm edt
Monday, July 7, 2008
People Hater
I'm usually a nice person.
I usually like people...But not today. Not this weekend.
Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs,
"Get the fuck out of my way!" or "Quit acting like you are the only person on this earth!" Whether it's
trying to walk down the side walk, or get off the train...getting through the super market or an intersection, no one seems
to have common sense or courtesy anymore.
Maybe my hatred for men is spilling out into hatred for man-kind? Well,
I'm WAY over due for that one.
Ok, if I really look at my frustrations, they can be boiled down to one thing:
Jack's birthday. He turns 40 tomorrow. I've been thinking about it all month. I want to drop him a birthday note to
let him know I didn't forget. I want to just send well wishes off into space hoping they will land on his head. But I
don't want him to write back. I don't want him to know that I still think of him.
To be honest, I'm
hurt by the whole thing. After a couple of months, I think you get to know the basics of a person. You understand if they
are moody or fun, intelligent or an idiot, good in bed or not. So, why did he leave me after getting to know me? Why did the
last guy I date do the same thing? (See Dr Dreamboat, July 2007) It makes me wonder...and it makes me angry.
I
have to stay angry, because if I don't, I'll start feeling depressed. I'll direct this anger at myself and go
spiraling down into the abyss. I like myself too much to hate myself right now. I like my job, my friends, my home. I even
like my body! I like my short hair and my inability to hold my liquor. I don't really want to change anything about myself,
but I don't mind learning and growing.
Yes, I'm still trying to date. And no, I'm not evil to these
men. I'm not very interested and I'm dating mainly so I'll get the hell out of the house. I find that I sit around
reading most days I don't have plans. My phone will silently sit next to me, and Teddy will beg me with those big
brown eyes to take him for a walk.
When I do walk him, I remember how much I hate people right now...and the cycle
begins again.
1:02 pm edt
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Spontaneous not Stupid
Yesterday I got
a text from Joe inviting me to the Cape. The Cape is over an hour drive from Boston...and he text on a Monday. He had the
week off and wanted me to drop everything to go with him. When I explained patiently that that was late notice, he suggested
I play hooky. He gave no consideration to the fact that I already made plans for tonight. (I have a date with V.) Nor did
he think twice about the love of my life, Teddy.
He acted as if I should be grateful, thankful to be invited and
that work was no obstacle. That I would risk my job, my friends, my be-loved dog's heart, just to lay around on some smelly
beach with him. What arrogance!
As I exchanged this story with my co-worker, shaking my head and rolling my eyes,
Dougy-Poo emailed suggesting I take off Thursday to go to the beach with him.
I'm really getting tired of men
expecting...asking me to change my life to fit their needs.
Fuck you all.
3:44 pm edt
