Not Unhappy

Tomorrow I will reach a milestone age: 33. Admittedly, thirty-three does not seem like a big deal, but for me, it's like 40 for most women. It's the imaginary age I assigned to 'hurry the fuck up and have kids'. Allow me to explain...

I remember in my early twenties not really wanting kids. I even debated getting myself fixed because I was having so many issues with birth control...especially when I was married. I sat myself down and asked how long I would reasonably need to worry about it. I began to think back on my mom's history. It was in her early to mid-thirties that she began to have troubles...too much bleeding, hormones changing...Mom and Ihave the same bodies and tendencies, sensitivities, histories...

My twenty-something self shrugged off another thought about children and reproduction until I was closer to 33...That magical age appeared. It was in my late twenties when I began rethinking life and what I wanted from it...what I wanted to give it...

I know I have plenty of time, and I have nothing to worry about. And before you begin, no I won't do en-vitro. I would adopt. Tons. In fact, may adopt anyway. I always wanted five kids...Good thing Tall Tom already has two. I only have to supply three more! 

But tomorrow comes that day...that magical day. 33...

Because I've been so happy the past few weeks, I worry I'll wake up bawling tomorrow. I know that's ridiculous. I'll wake up like I do every day and decide what to study and how much of it to study and proceed...But somehow, I'd like tomorrow to be special...if nothing else, to keep it from being sad. I want to raise my glass to fate and call a truce. I want to congratulate myself and my destiny to a wonderful beginning...and I cannot wait to see what else the years hold.

In the Middle of It

I realized that I'm falling in love with Tall Tom all over again. I'm devouring his devotion, and fanning the flames of his passion. We are having such a great time with the whole make-up part. Which is something that has me scratching my head...Why were we doing so poorly over the summer but so great now?

It should be just the opposite. I'm in the middle of finals that last for a solid two weeks. These tests are like nothing I've ever seen before. I'm just given one question and a piece of paper to write my answer. I'm not sure how that shows I know anything about the law...but it should at least stress me out and make things tense with Tom and I. Nope.

This summer was so easy! I had nothing to worry about except which concert I wanted to see next with Tom. I was still earning a pay check so money wasn't an issue. And I had nothing better to do than garden and wait for law school to start. But the fighting was weekly. It's like the stress of not knowing what was next was too much for us. I was trying to learn to live with Tom's drinking habits, and he was convincing himself that he'll be fine if I'm not in his life. We were both miserable.

Last night, I was having one of my impromptu parties at my place. Tom had placed his wallet on my dresser. I knew he was leaving soon, so I moved it to the fireplace mantle next to the front door so he could find it easily. I even told him I was going to give him a discount card for him to use while shopping...I placed this on top of the wallet. Only I did something I can't believe I did...

I looked into the cash slot of Tom's wallet. 

Now let me tell you, I have been through that man's wallet on several occasions...always in his presence, unless I'm slipping a love note in it....I was there when he moved into the new wallet he has now. I also know that Tom had cash in his wallet from winning a raffle. (I know because he generously gave me some cash from the winnings to get something. :)) So, I have no idea WHY I felt the need to peak into his wallet at the cash. If I needed any, he would give it to me...Maybe I was wondering how much cash he still had left...I don't freakin know, but something told me to peak at just that part of the wallet...That's when I saw it.

It was a call slip for DeSenza the jewelry store.  

He's bought my ring and is getting it sized! So that means he'll have it by next week! Eeeeek! 

He's promised not to propose during finals. That means he'll hold onto the ring until Dec 22. I don't know how he's going to keep that kind of secret...Oops. I guess he hasn't. I swear I didn't mean to find out...But I'm so excited about it, I want to burst!

Vanity

I've never been into my looks. Even when I had to look good all the time, I didn't care how I looked. I would put 15 minutes effort into myself then get bored. I would be the idiot walking around with spinach in her teeth because I hadn't looked in the mirror all day. In fact, I don't own a mirror that shows below the waste (and I highly recommend this!). 

But lately, I've turned into a high-maintenance girl. I've blown money on dresses that are fabulous but may not wear much. I have drop hundreds on skin cream and make-up in the past month. (Before my five-year-old mascara would have to solidify before I bought a new one.) I think I have 6 different eye creams (free gifts rock!) and all sorts of potions I don't even know how to use....

On top of all this disgusting indulgence, Tall Tom and I have been looking at rings. (Let's ignore my relationship troubles for now and focus on vanity, shall we?) We've been looking at diamond rings that start at $20K and go up. I have tried on rings worth more than $100K...laughing nervously and removing them carefully...And when presented with every possible option...all I want is the biggest ring Tall Tom can afford. WTF?

Here I'm going to law school to learn more about Civil and Human rights, yet I want a rock large enough to blind bystanders and intimidate other men? I look down at the key ring around my middle finger and know that it's enough...and it didn't cost a thing...I know on one hand Tom wants to send out a very clear message to all fellow law students that I'm taken...Yet he wants to make me happy...and I keep feeling guilty about wanting things that are ridiculously expensive and, frankly, impractical. I was feeling terrible about this new girly, shallow side to myself, until yesterday. I discovered I can have my cake and eat it too...

Tall Tom wanted to take me ring shopping...again. We went to a new store and when no diamond rings sparked my interest, we looked at precious stones like sapphires. That's when I saw it. A gorgeous yellow sapphire with enough blingitude to send a clear message to anyone! Plus, the yellow stone looked like a yellow diamond...and it was the cheapest ring I've tried on so far...And my favorite! 

So maybe it's not such a bad thing to get everything I want. A huge ring that REAL but doesn't cost that much. I think I'll have to go by the store and have another look...Just need to put on make-up first.

You can't get there from here.

I am here. 'Here' consists of sudden changes, disorganization and confusion.'Here' also consists of some constants: Teddy, my good 'ol dog turning 13 next week. Tom, who won't let me go, and the simple things still make me happy.

Simple things like the local program Chronicle. It's always worth watching...I started painting my nails again. Hell, I've started running again. I've starting dressing like I'm going to work everyday...like I used to. It feels more like me when wearing my work clothes. I haven't quite figured that one out yet...They aren't as comfortable as jeans and a sweatshirt.  

'Here' is confusing. I'm in a state of apathy and ambivalence. It's not quite depression. It's more like complete lack of interest. Can I separate those two for a moment? I'm the queen of depression. I have the crown to prove it. So I can see the sucker coming from far and wide. This ain't it. It's something else...

I recently confessed to my 'junior shrink' that I heard the song "Comfortably Numb" on the radio and thought it was the perfect fit. I won't bore you with psycho babble, but I'm damn tired of not giving a shit. I like it better when I'm full of passion. Hate, love, desire, anger, joy. I'll take anyone of the them, thank you. Just tell me how to get there from here?

Don't sweat the small stuff

 As my 33rd birthday looms a month away, I find myself beating myself senseless over what I have or have not accomplished...again.

Yes, it's the fun Stacy-bashing party including your all time favorites: 

• Feeling less knowledgeable than last year,
• less desirable,
• less intriguing,
• like I haven't gained any ground in my life this year.

And let's not forget the new favorites to continue for the next three years of law school:

• Desperately slow compared to others in my class,
• an inadequate writer who hasn't touched a pen to paper for months,
• I have more questions than time to collect the answers.

Let's not forget an oldy but a goody, the biological bashing bit!

• I'm an entire year older wondering if child will ever be in my life,
• thinking I should be thinner because I don't have the excuse of kids,
• and again...I should have more accomplished since I didn't take care of anyone but myself.

Now, I know in my heart none (almost none, ...ok, some) of this is true. I am almost through my first semester of law school. That's an accomplishment. Though road blocks have been in my path, searching for more within the school has opened me up to what I love. I am returning to my roots. I've begun lay-out editing for the law school paper. And whether life is perfect or not, I have a wonderful man who loves me...and HE has brought two great kids into my life.

With finals, birthday, X-mas and all the b.s. those things entail...I know that in the big picture, none of it really matters. It's just small stuff.