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The Life of Art
This blog contains actual events and people from my life. When available, I include pictures
and references to real events and parties. Some names have been changed to protect my opinionated ass from legal
ramifications.
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Monday, June 15, 2009
Down Hill Slide
It happens in every relationship.
No matter how great, how loving or how long you've been with someone, eventually it hits the point when you think, 'The honeymoon
is over.' Tall Tom and I have hit that point...No, more like we smacked into a brick wall going 100 MPH without looking.
We fight. We talk. We make-up. We get annoyed. We ignore. We carry on. We fight. We talk, etc, etc, etc.
It's like my boyfriend has suddenly changed from they guy who said all the right things to the man I can't be around because
just the sound of him breathing pisses me off.
It's been a while since I've hit this stage. Either the guy didn't
last long enough, or I just didn't care enough to become annoyed....Or...I would immediately start thinking of ways to get
out of the relationship altogether. I admit, this last thought crossed my mind a time or two in the last couple of months.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Tom. I don't honestly know what I'd do without him...But that doesn't stop me from thinking
about it from time to time. Thinking about how much easier it would be to have a fit because my pants aren't fitting
without having to justify said fit to a witness. Thinking about how much easier it is to get up and moving in the morning
without giving any thought to if or when Tom would be picking me up. Thinking about what I want (me and only me) when trying
to make a life decision.
I sometimes think about not dating someone with kids, not worrying about birth control,
not worrying that my ass is expanding and my boobs are sagging...because there would be no one around to see them. And I know
law school would be tons easier as a single person...
But I don't want to be without him.
Things are
improving in the bedroom. We made the collective decision to get the IUD removed and 'be good' from now on. (We are about
as good as two teenagers from the Palin family, but at least I'm having orgasms again!) And we are good about talking things
out if we get to the take-your-damn-house-key stage.
I guess I just wish Tall Tom would learn the difference between
a big deal, need-to-talk issue...and the non-issues. Non-issues would be anything concerning weight, breast size, PMSing,
boyfriends breathing, etc. These things may cause me to be in the worst mood, but only require me to be alone or fume alone.
They do not require talking, explaining or revisiting...
All this would be a ton easy if Tall Tom just went back
to being perfect.
12:56 pm est
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Paradigm
I'm not a good girlfriend.
I have had this thought several times in the past few weeks. I thought it when Tall Tom and I spent a long weekend in NYC.
I thought it when he took me to see my favorite band, buying me dinner and drinks. I thought it almost every night I went
to bed without giving my boyfriend some physical attention.
I want to be the girl who is Mary Poppins to his children,
Martha Stewart to his apartment, and Jenna Jameson to his...parts. I want my boyfriend to feel loved, secure and absolute
content with all parts of our relationship.
What my bf doesn't need is a girl constantly whining about marriage.
Or one who ignores his needs because she's so stuck in her own head with unemployment or law school. He doesn't need a girl
who keeps bringing ex-boyfriends around like Big Daddy and Captain...And he doesn't need me pushing him into a new career
he's not ready for.
I know my limits, at least. I know that I cannot change the past. I can only try every day
to make things better, to be better. I have to say that I'm quite proud of how I handled things last night....but I honestly
wasn't even trying to be Super Girlfriend...
Tall Tom may be facing lay-offs. I was excited because I know he hates
his job. I saw this as an excellent opportunity to try something new...to look into himself and find another side. We even
talked about money (which didn't freak me out). I was able to tell him something that was absolute truth: In three years,
he and I will no longer have to worry about money.
All he needs to do is find something to do, for a modest wage,
for three years. I'm so completely confident that I will earn a good living as an attorney that he can truly be free to find
himself. Though I would LOVE it if he took a sabbatical for a year to figure things out, I'm afraid that's too far-out for
Tall Tom. It's so frustrating to see someone like Tom, who is in the position to quit his job and still be able to live a
good life, not take time off to figure out his purpose.
Hey, I'm not saying I have all the answers. But who wouldn't
want to quit a job they hate to find themselves? Most of us don't have that luxury, but he does. Sure, he'd have to curb some
of his spending, but nothing radical.
I've been damn lucky in my life, and I always land on my feet. It's only
recently that I've learned to trust this and myself. To trust that everything will be ok. It's time that Tall Tom learns this...Learns
to have faith in me and in us.
And I have to say, it feels good to think about taking care of Tom for a while
instead of the other way around...
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Left Hand, Man
I almost always do it
with men. I can almost guarantee I do it with every good-looking man. I will do it with ugly men too, but not always. Sometimes
I do it with women, but only in special cases...I check out their left-hand for a wedding ring.
It's obvious why
I would do it with a good-looking man. But I noticed I will do it with ugly ones too. This made me question my motives.
Why see if an ugly man is single? And why keep looking if I'm taken?
I suppose it is a deeply rooted, knee-jerk
reaction from years of being single, but when it comes to ugly people and women, it's different. It's like I'm judging them
socially. I'm looking at this person thinking, "They have a ring, someone must love them," or "God, even this
super ugly person found someone to love them."
With women, it's more of a sizing up when I look at the
ring. Sometimes I'll look at someone and wonder what her entire life is like. That's when I'll check everything
out, from her shoes to her hair. But I always start by looking for the ring.
I suppose this is an easy and
quick way to catalog someone. But it goes a step beyond just married vs. single. It's how you and I think about
married people vs. single people. For instance, a married person is probably older, has kids, has a cute house in
the burbs with a loving husband who kisses her check and takes care of everything...Ok, not really, but you get
my point.
If someone were to look at me, I'm sure they would have a totally different take since I do not have
a ring. Maybe they would think I was childless (correct), had a good career (working on it), and spends all her
money on shopping and dinner with friends (correct).
Now this simple wedding band, or lack thereof, becomes
a discussion on snap judgments. Can you see someone, and in five seconds, have a close idea of what their life is like.
Now these judgments are made according to tons of things we see or even smell that don't include a wedding ring. I know that
I'm an incredible judge of people when it comes to short exposure. (I wish they made a game show that utilized this skill.
I would be rich! )
But the wedding ring...I suppose I look at all those people-- married, single, ugly or not--
and I think, "See, even they found someone to love them forever. Why can't I?" And that's the sad truth of it. I
see all those wedding bands and wonder if I'm somehow missing out, or worse, already missed out on something more.
3:43 pm est
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Maturity
Maturity is something that is
supposed to come with age. Our experiences open our eyes to new opportunities or the existence of other people on the planet.
Maturity can help us swallow bad news and keep our mouths shut at the right time. And with this maturity, I see a sense of
calm...or at least the facade of it.
As I have developed and learned, I thought I would become more mature. Not
so much. I think I am becoming steadily less mature as I age. Maybe I'm in that in between stage of youthful carelessness
coupled with maturing enough to not care what people think...This isn't always a bad thing, but can show itself in unexpected
ways. (Please refer to the piece about jumping on my bed.)
Tall Tom is WAY more mature than me. It's incredible
that a man who is only 6 years older can have such a jump on this. Maybe his kids are a key factor, but I don't think so judging
other parents in the world. And he has that calm, easy way about him. It makes me wonder if he's always been like that, or
if it came with age...
Tall Tom showed how very mature he is by the way he handled me last night. No, I was not
yelling or being a bitch. I was just harping on him about stuff...pointing out how bad he is with the big picture and needs
the details to work on. Instead of getting defensive, he agreed. He even came up with examples to show how right I was...I
was momentarily confused. I was ribbing him, and he was agreeing? Huh.
Later, when he was tucking me into bed,
the subject of crushes came up. I had no intention of talking with Tall Tom about this, but he calmly worked me down until
I trusted that he wouldn't freak out. And he didn't. It was such a relief, I cried a little. He didn't get jealous or accusing
or ask a bunch of questions. He simply wanted to know how I felt and wondered if he could do anything to help.
I
don't know what it is about this man, but I think I'm falling in love with him...again.
12:49 pm est
Monday, May 18, 2009
Crushing Me
I think it's healthy to have
crushes. A crush can get you to class on time when you don't want to go at all. A crush can motivate you to get to the gym
on a regular basis. When you're single, a crush can help set the bar for perspective dates. A crush can also make you feel
incredibly guilty...
I tease Tall Tom that I have a crush on his favorite bartender and friend...This guy (I'll
call him D Bar) is in his mid-twenties and sweet, but I would not have any true interest in him if I were single. He's
a crush mainly because I think he's just so darn cute. Tall Tom is fulling aware of this, and we make jokes all the time like,
if Tom were to die, he would leave D Bar in his will to me...We even include 'the crush' in on the joke. D Bar handles
it well because I don't push any limits, and I don't try to make him feel uncomfortable. (I think the last comment I made
to D Bar to make him squirm was asking details about when Tall Tom would propose...)
So, to recap,
I'm not really sexually attracted to D Bar. Unfortunately, I am very attracted to one of Tall Tom's friends. He's
someone Tom and I see on a regular basis. I'm not really sure when or why this crush started. I think part of it has been
evoked due to sympathy...I don't think he and his wife are getting along well right now. Another reason I like himsis
his quiet reserve. Like Tom, this person does not try to be the center of attention, and he says very little most of the time.
Yet I find myself thinking of him in inappropriate ways.
I can never see anything going anywhere with this person.
(Hello! He's married, and I have the greatest guy ever!) But I wonder why I have these feelings. I've been feeling so guilty
about them, that I usually leave whenever he shows up somewhere. I'll make an excuse that I'm giving Tom guy time, but really,
I just want to get away from this person. God forbid someone could read my feelings on my face when he's around!
Part of me hopes that I can get to know his wife a bit better and all this uncomfortableness will disappear. I hope that
I'll get to know him better and lose the attraction...
Unlike my crush on D Bar, this guy could really hurt things.
And I want nothing like that to happen. I suppose that's why I feel free bringing up D Bar, but would rather die than mention
this other person. I want Tall Tom and only Tom. So I'll bide my time in hopes these feelings will fade away, then I
can hang out with Tall Tom and his friends a little longer next time.
12:21 pm est
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2009.06.01 |
2009.05.01 |
2009.04.01 |
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2008.03.01 |
2008.02.01
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Quote of the week:
Ideas, as distinguished from events, are never unprecedented.
~Hannah Arendt
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Art of Dating
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